I haven’t posted for a long time and for that I apologize. Many events have kept me/us busy and I will get to them…just not today.

Today I tell you the results from Mathew’s last scan and our follow up appointment with his Oncologist.

It isn’t good.

Not at all.

Mathew is done treatment and nature will take its course. As Mathew asked during the appointment, “Does this mean I will die?”

Yes, Mathew. I answered. My heart breaking.

In months.

The old tumours grew and there are new ones in his left lung; now in more than 1 lobe. One new one, not previously seen, grew over 1 cm since his scan (that was in March). Mathew’s Oncologist told us these tumours tend to grow exponentially. For those who aren’t sure what that means…. it means it grows faster and faster. It gets big fast. Ewing’s Sarcoma is a hell of a nasty cancer people and there is just no way around that.

There are no new treatments found in the last 30 years. Less than 3% of money raised for cancers goes towards pediatric cancer.

How would you feel if this was your child?

I know you want to help but sadly, there is nothing you can do. We appreciate the thoughts, prayers, etc, but it is not helpful to tell us he will be with God soon or that his pain will be over. We are not religious nor do we believe in God. Do not tell me to hope for a miracle. There won’t be one. Don’t tell me to be positive or to look on the bright side. I will tell you to go to hell.

Just BE. Be around, visit Mathew, continue life. Life will go on both now and “after”. I don’t want it to but I know it will. Be thankful your life is going well, I am so happy for you ~ I would not wish this on anyone. It is few and far between who are not touched by sadness and or tragedy at some point in their lives so I am honestly happy if your situation is good. I want it to be.

Mathew is okay. He wants us near him and to hold our hand when he gets scared; which is when he goes to sleep. He is talking about it, worrying about you and his friends… he is free to talk about whatever he wants. There are resources in place for him and his family doctor and Oncologist are continuing care and will bring in others as needed.

We are functioning, some hours better than others, some days more than others. We want to plan little day trips and visits to keep Mathew’s spirits up for as long as possible. He will continue to see movies, visit friends, etc, until he is not well enough to. So don’t be shy! It’s okay.

It’s okay to cry. But not in front of him. He doesn’t want you to.

Now I’m going to go and hang out with my buddy.

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