Well it has been a while since I last posted. Things are going as always which means everything is ok.

We’ve been busy with Mathew; visitors popping in and us taking little day or weekend trips. We took Mathew to Bangor 2 weeks ago and it was rough on him; he spent half the time in bed, in pain. He did manage to get a bit of shopping in and found some items he wanted. It wasn’t like the good ol’ days though when we shopped till we dropped. I managed a side trip into a curtain shop and spent a heavenly hour or two in there just admiring the selection. We also managed to eat a couple of good meals, one at Applebee’s, a second at The Texas Longhorn, and a third at a small place called Evolution Burger. It serves organic, grass-fed beef for its burgers and the meals were very good. It was a long wait to get the food however ~ I suspect they might have been growing the grass to feed the beef, etc.

Yesterday we drove up to Fredericton and had a lovely visit and meal with Alistair and Denise and company. We had promised Mathew a quick trip to Toys R Us at the mall there but as our luck goes, a wicked thunderstorm scuttled through and blew some big transformer that knocked out power to the shopping area of Fredericton!

Kristen has been home twice since I last posted, basically every long weekend. She takes an extra day now so we get a bit of a longer visit but the time goes by too fast. Mathew likes it when she’s around and misses her, as do we all, when she leaves.

John’s father had a mild heart attack…not exactly sure when as he thought the pain was related to indigestion. It took a bit of persuading for him to finally get checked out. It turns out one artery was 99% blocked and a second was at 90%. He got himself two stents and went home two days after. The upside to this is we now know his heart is in good condition and will work for a long time yet. Seriously folks, the hospital would rather be the one to determine if the pain is heart burn or if it is a heart attack. Let them check you out ` at worst, it might be embarrassing (big deal guys!) and at best they head off something that could be a significant event happening.

I haven’t mentioned yet that we lost our last pet a few months ago. It was discouraging when we put our cat, Spook down. He was 16 years old and had literally gone bonkers. It was depressing and not something I wanted to talk about on here right away. I think it was in February that Spook went off to animal heaven.

After Mathew was told there is nothing more that can be done to stop the progression of his cancer, I asked him (a couple of days later) if he wanted to pick out a cat. He did. He wanted to rescue a cat from the SPCA and so we visited them and found Gimley. Gimley is about 6 years old, is a male tabby (neutered of course) with green eyes…slightly crossed. He had been hit by a car and left by the side of the road for at least a day before anyone called the SPCA to report him there. Gimley had a broken leg, a squashed paw and I don’t know what else. This was back last December and his mandatory cage rest made him a beefy guy. I mean so big my eyes popped out when I first saw him! His name at the SPCA was Essex but Mathew renamed him Gimley, after the tough, little dwarf in the movie, “Lord of the Rings”. Gimley is an affectionate, friendly guy who definitely likes his food! He often sleeps on Mathew’s bed at night which brings Mathew comfort.

Mathew had his hair cut and dyed bright pink a month or so ago. He figured if not now, when? The colour has faded enough that now he is thinking he might go for a brilliant green. Or blue. I take him to hair dresser for this; he likes the attention and I like a professional taking care of it!

The Palliative care doctor and nurse (from Extra Mural) did come to our home and start Mathew’s file. For now the nurse stops in every couple of weeks to monitor how Mathew is doing and to address any concerns that may have cropped up. We did go in to see Dr. Burnell and to say we didn’t want to bring Mathew to the hospital anymore than absolute necessary. This leading to our not seeing Dr. Burnell anymore. She certainly understood the distress the hospital causes Mathew and the wait to see her (her appointments run chronically late). I don’t know who all plan to be involved in Mathew’s care when things get bad but until then, the family doctor and the palliative care nurse can manage. Every month though, Mathew will still get his port flushed. Dr. Burnell requested this and I expect it will be used to manage symptoms when the time comes.

We have had a few bonfires this year. I enjoy them and so does Mathew. John drives him down into the backyard in the truck and then back up when Mathew tires out. We usually have people join us and it is such a nice time. The last one we had we ended up sky-gazing; shooting stars, satellites tracking overhead, airplanes. What excitement from our very own backyard! The roasted marshmellows, chips and drinks help too.

I find it more difficult to talk about Mathew dying. I spend as much time with him as possible, trying to memorize his face, his smile, his voice, his laugh… and it hits me harder each month that goes by. There is grieving now for what is to come. I can plan and talk all I want but when reality slaps my face I know that I just cannot yet truly imagine how awful the grief is going to be. I can’t talk about it. It makes me cry and I don’t want that right now. I want to enjoy here and now.

Sometimes I think my posts come across airy and nonsensical. I am a person whose feelings run deep and when I re-read something it looks cheap and fake. I also don’t have a lot of free time where I spend it on the blog, but I am trying.

Today’s post I am not even proof reading or rewriting like I usually do. If I did that it wouldn’t get out to you and I know some of you are waiting for an update.

I joined Facebook groups about Ewing’s Sarcoma. I have already reached out to some mothers who lost their kids to this cancer and asked them to stay close because I will need their support when the time comes. They will understand the best of what I am going through and how to get through life after Mathew is gone.

Quite frankly I don’t want life to continue after him but it will. There are others whom I love who are dealing with their own health issues and it is just lucky that I’ve lived this long without significant sorrow or people passing away. It isn’t a place I would wish on anyone and it just feels like a lot to absorb at once.

On that less than cheery note I must get to bed in preparation for another working week. Mathew is very angry that I’m working and he goes between angy comments and tears. It is enough to rip your heart out.

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