The xrays of Mathew’s lungs were normal. Good news!

The family doctor and I chatted about terminal cancer vs palliative care. Mathew right now is terminal, not palliative. We know he has cancer, it is growing and there will be no further treatment.

This terminal state is the unknown variable in terms of time left. During this time, Mathew’s symptoms are treated. There won’t be further tests because they aren’t needed…. I’m still having difficulty with that one though. I want to see what is going on in his body! Are those wretched tumours growing very slowly? Are they in other places in his body? What kind of time do we have? This “treating the symptoms” is very hard on all of us.

The last time Mathew was out of the house was over a week ago. I went out briefly, earlier this week, and that was it. Today I officially morphed into cabin fever status and tomorrow. Anywhere. Anyhow. Just out and that means beyond our deck! I plan on dragging Mathew out with me and told him so. It could be a movie or dinner out…I don’t care ~ just let me OUT!!

This is our first weekend in a while without guests. It is a good time to take a breather since next week is a concert John and Mathew are attending in Moncton. If Mathew is well enough. I’ll be the getaway driver; hanging out in the truck and ready to make a quick drive-by to pick them up if Mathew feels too sick to stay for the entire event. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I prefer sitting and snoozing in our truck to attending this concert. I’m not sure who “Five Finger Death Punch” is but I listened to a little sample of their music and the truck and a book look pretty good to me!

So…have I mentioned Mathew’s days and nights are messed up? I think I did say something in the last post. I stay up with him through the night and go to bed when he does; around 6 in the morning. I’ve seen more consecutive sunrises and sunsets lately than I wanted to. It isn’t an energy filled fun night people, so I’m not cooking up a storm or deep cleaning the house. It is more like a continued stupor and not sure of the day or hour anymore.

This time is a hard one to live. I can’t put into words how it is to watch each minute go by, wondering how long this terminal phase is going to last. A couple of months? Several? A year? Life remains on hold and you just wait. Wait for something. It’s coming and you don’t want it to.

You don’t make plans because you don’t know if you can. You don’t do anything on a “regular” basis because there is no regular. Mathew’s health and how he is feeling changes on an hourly basis so whatever you end up doing is a last second, mad-dash-for-the-door event. Then, when you are out doing something you have to be prepared to drop everything and return home on a moment’s notice when Mathew suddenly tires out or feels sick.

In other news, Kristen won a job competition and moved from a casual position to a term position. This is a positive step forward as she is entitled to health and dental benefits. It meant a pay increase which sweetened the pot too! Two weeks ago Kristen moved into an apartment with a roommate and was busy buying her first bedroom furniture. Her roommate already has furniture from previous apartments so they seem to be all set. She is very excited about having her own place ~ and our thanks go out to my younger sister, Dominique, who accommodated Kristen in her home until our girl was ready to go out on her own. Dom, you made the transition so much easier for Kristen and us! Thank you!!

As it is now 3:30 am I doubt this will make your top choice for a well-written and well-thought out post. It was either a quick scribble when I could or a prolonged silence.

I find it hard to write at the moment. There are so many thoughts and emotions running through all of us and underlying exhaustion to add to the mess. This transition period is the precursor to palliative care which, I’m sure you know, is the end of life stage. I am simply not able to put into words all the things running through my head.

Good night and good morning!