Yesterday Mathew sat in his recliner for the first time in a few weeks. Who knows how long since the last time since that stuff isn’t written down in his log book. It was like old times; him cruising through the tv and me sitting on his bed while we chose something to watch. He ate while we watched the new tv show, “Legion” and I reveled in a moment of normal.

After an hour and a half Mathew gave up the chair but even he was impressed with his stamina. It is probably all the food he ate that is giving him a little bit of energy to do things he previously felt too tired for.

The flip side is the increase in pain. That is a little worrisome. His morphine dosage was increased to 75 mg at Mathew’s request and even with that, break through was needed several times over the last 2 days. Mathew and I spoke about this yesterday. He realizes he might need to spend a couple of days in palliative care if the pain continues to increase. His nurse explained the trip is required because some of the drugs that the team will try needs constant monitoring by a nurse. It does need monitoring at a hospital in case there is any kind of reaction. I know a fentanyl patch was mentioned and I’m in such a fog that the nurse’s comment of it being a useful tool for cancer patients didn’t ring a bell for a while. Suddenly it clicked she was referring to all the fentanyl overdoses that currently run in the news! That situation doesn’t concern me because the stronger – or different – drugs than morphine are a means to keep Mathew comfortable. The unfortunate overdoses in the news are a result of other circumstances.

Earlier this morning Mathew expressed concern he might be on the down swing. What brought that thought out isn’t clear but surely life will be kind enough to give him a little longer feeling more like his old self. It shocked me when we were cruising tv shows just like older days… I had already forgotten what that was like.

Mathew’s bedroom is already heating up insanely so. Yesterday the temperature was almost at 26 degrees Celsius although the thermostat was down to 19 degrees. I ended up opening his window and letting the cool winter air seep over me and into his room. It was soooo nice! Once the sun went down, the window was closed and the heat turned up to its regular 22 degrees. His air conditioner is going to be installed before May at the rate his room is heating up! The only electronics on are his iPad or his Nintendo Switch (in the hand held mode) and neither of those emits any kind of heat.

Mathew ate two meals again yesterday and this will be a week of decent food intake. I appreciate this time and this interlude so much. I find it gives me that tiny spark of hope for a little magic that makes each subsequent decline harder to face. As a parent I am given to any scrap of hope that can be held on to in this great, wretched mess of terminal cancer.

No matter how prepared I think I am that final blow is going to split my heart in two.