I know you wonder what is going on when I don’t post. Some days timings are off or I’m not very chipper, etc. I didn’t mean for this many days to go by however as this is a source of information for family.

The palliative care doctor has not seen Mathew yet. The process requires Extramural to sent a note to the family doctor. Then the family physician sends a referral to palliative care at the hospital, where the pain specialist works. It gets received and probably put in some kind of order. It was estimated, by Mathew’s nurse, that it would be mid-week this upcoming week, before we heard much of anything.

Mathew confessed that he was going to have a major panic attack and scare everyone if we had taken him to the hospital, so we did everyone a favour by keeping him home. Sort of.

I am worried about his headaches. They are presenting just like his damn tumours did. At first they were once in a while, for a couple of hours. Then they started occurring with more frequency and intensity. Now they are constant. It doesn’t seem like any of the medications is doing much to help. I fear he might have something growing in his brain. Or maybe something is occurring elsewhere, that is causing this effect in his head.

Whatever it is, he isn’t feeling well. The window in which he is awake is only a couple of hours long. He had a day or two where he did watch a little bit of his wrestling (a pay-per-view) but only a match and a half before he falls asleep in his chair. It is a tiny bit of normalcy that I cherish.

I intend to call Extramural tomorrow morning and see if the process for Dr. Wildish to visit might be hastened just a little. I can’t bear to see Mathew in pain.

Having said this, if it is a tumour in his head, then I am worried. Specifics need not be written for you are all smart enough to know the ramifications.

Two of Mathew’s cousins were able to visit for a short time yesterday but it ended abruptly when Mathew’s headache made him too uncomfortable.

I increased Mathew’s Ativan dosage to 3 mg (up from 2 mg). It helped because he got chatty and said he felt loopy but it was great. It gave him a little break that he so badly needed. His demeanour is scared. I know the headaches are worrying him too but I will not tell him what I think it is. He doesn’t need to know.

I ventured out to Walmart on Thursday evening. It was the first time in ages I was there and the first time without Mathew. I almost couldn’t do it. It was walking down memory lane even before I have to grieve my son. He so enjoyed coming out with me and just looking at stuff. That is all I could see when I went through picking up the necessary items. I shopped as quickly as possible and left. There was no joy in Mudsville that day.

I am not resting well right now. Mathew panics if I am away from him at all. He woke up later this morning and I wasn’t there ~ I was out on the back deck, catching a few sun rays and watching the lake ice grow thinner and thinner. I listened to the early birds chirping and calling. It is early spring and something I usually enjoy. I still do but with a terrible catch. It will be Mathew’s last spring.

Kristen is flying in Wednesday night to spend Easter here. There is a little strain from her employer regarding her monthly flights. We mostly use long weekends and don’t generally interfere with the working week. This is stressful and exhausting for Kristen, on top of the reason for her visit. I hope you all remember to support her with texts and maybe cards or something. She is far from us, in Ottawa, and this causes a lot of pull and guilt which any of us would have. She calls whenever it becomes too difficult and we talk her through it and recognize this internal struggle. I just don’t want her extended family to forget about her (not that you would).

As I don’t like being away from Mathew I will sign off here and head back in to his room. After I feed his fat cat. That bastard just jumped up on my chair and hooked my side with one claw. One claw. He must weight a good 20 lbs at least so imagine a sack of potatoes trying desperately to scrabble to safety with one claw stuck in your side.

Ungrateful little wretch. He is giving me a cold shoulder because I shrieked when he stuck me. He is sitting on the back of the chair, glaring into space because it is time for him to eat and the alarm clock in his belly is telling him he is going to starve in 2 minutes flat if I don’t MOVE ON HIS FOOD RIGHT NOW.

Someone needs to tell puddy tat that I left the Army over 30 years ago and don’t take kindly to orders. Especially after the rip in my side.

Until next time, hope your Sunday goes well.