On Friday (or..Saturday….hmm…time is blurring for me) it was made known to John and I that Mathew has a couple of weeks left at the most.
His pain meds are increased daily and how long he will wake up is not clear. I wish to spend every waking moment he has, with him. So I packed my bags this morning and am moving in with him until the end. The palliative care ward provides every necessity of home so the only reason to come back is for our kitty.
If John wants to keep coming home then I know he will give Gimley some loving otherwise we have family more than happy to help us.
Family and friends dropped by the hospital to say good-bye this weekend. I love them so much and for taking the time and love to make special trips to see Mathew. It is the hardest thing to do, to say good bye to someone you love, and I hope the privacy I gave them at the end of each visit was enough. Thank you, thank you for the love and devotion you showed to Mathew in his life. You will likely never know the impact you had on making his life wonderful. He loved every one of you.
Mathew still thinks he is coming home and we will do nothing to dispel that notion. He understands he can’t come home until the pain is managed and we are 9 days at the hospital and his pain increases every day. He is so thin it is heartbreaking and he is so weak he can’t sit up.
I don’t know if I will be able to blog from the hospital; they are having problems with their wifi. When I did blog when Mathew was in cancer treatment, from the Oncology floor, my iPad wasn’t very accommodating. I will be updating Facebook for those who can “see me” there.
We do not believe in God and in fact, Mathew kind of kicked the spiritual advisor out of his room (John was there, I wasn’t. It was funny though). If praying comforts you then please comfort yourself. Please do not pass messages of prayer to us if you know of our practise/belief. A “praying for Mathew” is fine and I understand the heart is coming from ~ it is enough and done with love. Other than that none of us wish to be preached to. Those who love us know this well enough; it is more meant to some individuals who feel it is in their best interest to try to “save” Mathew or encourage us to find God in this “hour of need”. I respect you and know faith comforts you. Please respect us and know we have our own comfort.
Words fail me. I cannot convey how we are all feeling. The nurses and doctors adore Mathew and he is very happy with them and their care (as are we). It is a terrible, terrible thing to lose a child and there is simply nothing that can express the pain.
Now I must go to my son. I was with him when he came in to this world and I will be there for every minute during this time he leaves. Love to you all