Yesterday was another punch to the gut.

Mathew’s ashes came home.

Another bout of breaking down and wondering how did this all happen and why is my son dead?

I will tell you that Mathew died in his Mom’s and Dad’s arms, just as he wanted to. His ending was swift and unexpected and caught the nurse off guard. We had maybe 10 minutes – at most – that the end was coming. Not even time to call anyone.

We are okay. People are worried about us; I guess that is what you do when you love someone. This was an ongoing situation and we knew how it was going to end. It did not help the pain of actual loss, of not seeing our beloved son again.

I will just say we “are”. We live minute by minute, some good and others bad. Some hours are filled with tears and others seem almost normal until we remember one of us is missing.

I do not want to bypass this time. I don’t want to medicate it away. I want to feel the pain and despair of losing my child. His life is worth that grief and anything less is an insult to his life and our grieving process.

We have tremendous support which may be why we are holding up as well as we are. John’s brother and his wife took on the task of cremation arrangements and started registering Mathew’s death to the various departments and Agencies that need to know. Other family members stepped up when I asked them to help plan our private gathering this weekend, and are preparing for it. Others are more than eager to help with any task, big or small, to help us out. We couldn’t have done it as well without all of you.

We are spending these couple of days resting, sorting things out and just living. We are just scratching the surface of grief as it grabs you when least expect it. It is a long and permanent path we walk now, with pitfalls and tears threatening at the edge.

We are okay.