When Mathew was born a birth certificate was created. Over the years he got his own health care card, a passport, a SIN, bank accounts ~ all the little things that proclaimed he was alive! He was here!

Now it is all in reverse and is happening in fast sequence. When my brother-in-law went to the funeral home to direct them as to our wishes, it turns out the funeral home does take care of closing out certain items of the deceased. The death certificate was issued and we were given many “Proof of Death Certificates” that have to accompany paperwork…. anywhere…. to establish Mathew died. We handed in his health care card, his SIN card, his Handicap Parking Pass…. and probably more, I just don’t remember right now.

Today I sent in his passport along with the damned “Proof of…” that I despise so much. It broke my heart. We got the 10 year passport with so much hope and promise of his future. He had it for 3 years.

Tomorrow John and I go to the bank to prove Mathew is dead once again and to collapse his Registered Disability Savings Plan we paid into over the last years. The government will get their money back and I expect, any interest accrued. We will get the principal back. It is such a new program that the person responsible for creating and advising about the plan didn’t know what to do to stop one.

Social Development couldn’t stop June’s payment in time so Mathew got his “welfare” payment in a joint account he and I have. I called Social Development today to send it back. The lady told me who to write the cheque out to and to drop it off in person. I replied I had absolutely no desire to stop by in person and could I not send it in by mail, instead? Yes it turns out I can and that’s what I did. If I can’t keep my composure on the phone why the hell would I want to show up in person? It is another lousy step in erasing Mathew from the world around us.

It kills me every time John or I do another task to stop Mathew’s essence of being. To be slapped in the face again that my son is gone. It won’t end soon either. There is always tax time next year to bring this all back.

Oh how I wish we were filling out the birth notice, applying for a health care card…. anything to put him back into the living world.

Damn it hurts.

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